How to Build Confidence and Peace of Mind

 

Eight tips to help you push through the fear and self-doubt:

There are few of us who escape feelings of fear and self-doubt as we go about our life. Not to worry! We can all learn how to create within us a wonderful sense of confidence and peace of mind as we face all situations in our lives. The book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is filled with very powerful tools to help us push through the fear and self-doubt in order to create a beautiful and satisfying life. Here is a taste of just a few of these tools…

1. Build your sense of trust in yourself. Your first task is to build the trust that whatever happens in your life, you can handle it all. Right now, think of something about any area of your life that is bothering you and repeat to yourself ten times the important words, “Whatever happens, I’ll handle it.” I suspect you will immediately begin to feel a sense of peace within your being. These are important words to have when the “what if’s” come up. “What if I lose my job? I’ll handle it.” “What if I get sick? I’ll handle it.” “What if something happens to my marriage? I’ll handle it.” And what does “I’ll handle it” mean? It means, “I’ll learn from it. I’ll grow from it. I’ll make it a triumph!”

2. Do your very best, then let go of the outcome. To help you let go, develop the trust that “It’s all happening perfectly.” This calming affirmation is a shortened version of: “I’ve done my best, but even if things don’t go the way I want them to go, I will simply find a way to be enriched by whatever life brings me. I will learn and grow from it all. Therefore, it truly is all happening perfectly.” Repetition over and over again of this wonderful affirmation, will definitely quiet the negative chatter of the mind and help you let go of the outcome. Peace at last!

3. Stop complaining. Complaining is a big clue that you are not taking responsibility for your experience of life. Instead of seeing life’s obstacles as problems, see them as opportunities, opening the door to growth. When you can control your reactions to whatever life hands you, you have the upper hand. You now have a choice: You can create your own misery…or you can create your own sense of growth and wellbeing. That’s power! Every time you have the opportunity to stretch your capacity to handle the world around you, the more powerful and confident you will feel.

4. Yes, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Often we think, “I’ll do it when I am not so afraid.” But in reality, it works the other way round. The “doing it” comes before the fear goes away. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it. Action is the key. Once you have done something you have feared a number of times, guess what happens…the fear of that particular situation goes away. And it’s then time to further expand the comfort zone and move on to the next situation you fear. That’s what growth is all about. And as your confidence builds, it will become easier and easier to “feel the fear and do it anyway!”

5. When making decisions, adopt the “no-lose” philosophy. The “no-lose” philosophy tells us that “I can’t lose – regardless of the outcome of the decision I make. I look forward to the opportunities for learning and for growing that either choice gives me.” Remember, if you learn through your “mistakes,” there are no mistakes! In this way, the “no-lose” approach to decision-making guarantees that all your decisions will be the right decisions.

6. Know that you count. Know that your presence makes a difference. If you don’t understand this very important fact, act as if you do make a difference! Just keep asking yourself the “act-as-if” question in all areas of your life: “What would I be doing if I were really important here?” Make a list and then take action. Soon you will “live into” the realization that you really are important.

7. Commit 100% to all areas of your life. That means when you are at work or with your family and friends, or meeting new people, or volunteering in the community…or whatever…give it all you’ve got, holding nothing back. When you commit to giving 100%, your sense of focus, excitement, participation, enjoyment, fulfillment, and happiness come alive. What a glorious feeling that is!

8. Say “thank you” a lot. Saying “thank you” is a wonderful way to make important connections in all areas of your life. The words “thank you” can also help you appreciate and focus on all the good that is around you, thus helping you release any feelings of anger and resentment you may be holding. You can see why the words “thank you” are two of the most powerful words ever spoken.

If you, step by step, begin incorporating into your life these tips, your sense of confidence and peace of mind will grow and grow. Remember: there is plenty of time…but now is definitely the time to begin!

What to Do When You Feel Invisible

When you find yourself in any situation where you feel invisible, ask yourself what has happened, and what you are really feeling: left out at social gatherings like parties or family get-togethers? Not paid attention to when you speak, or having your opinions discounted? Isolated because of your age? Excluded by your married friends because you are alone? Ignored for gender reasons, particularly if you are a woman?

These are different kinds of invisibility, so try not to let them blend into each other. Only when you understand what you’re feeling, can you find a solution. Here are a few steps that may help.

Step 1: Take responsibility. It’s too easy to blame others, and that never works. Even the people who are closest to you aren’t responsible for how you feel. By taking responsibility, you can completely turn your perspective around. “My kids never call anymore” can be turned into “I’m glad my kids don’t feel burdened by me.”

Step 2: Look at your situation objectively. Most of us get wrapped up in our own emotions, and when you feel resentful, alone or anxious, you are too vulnerable to do what you need to do. Try looking at your situation as if it’s not happening to you but to a friend who has asked you for advice.

Step 3: First, sit down with a pencil and paper and make a list of situations where you feel invisible. At parties? At home? With friends? At restaurants? With younger people? With couples? With your family? At work? Now make three columns. The first column will include things you really want to change. The second will include things you want to change but feel slightly less urgent about. The third is the place for things that it would be nice to change but that aren’t crucial or don’t need to be addressed right this second. Now, insert each of the situations into the proper column.

Step 4: Wait a day or two, and then return to your list to check if you still agree with the priorities you set down. It also helps, at this point, to consult a confidant. Don’t pick a friend or family member who will try to dismiss your problem and tell you that everything’s fine. (They will secretly think you are trying to guilt-trip them). Also, avoid people who are in the habit of telling others what they want to hear. The best choice is someone who has experienced the same situation that you are in and has successfully found a solution.

Step 5: Make an action plan for each of your columns. This is necessary even if column #3 doesn’t feel like a pressing issue. The point of this step is to exercise your imagination. The more ideas you can devise, the freer you can be from getting stuck. Write down as many creative solutions as you can think of. Take your time. There’s no deadline, and you can return to this step over a few days, if that’s what it takes. Feel free to brainstorm with other people, making sure that they realize your intention isn’t to lean on them, but to arrive at your own independent solution.

Here are a few examples that may help jump-start the process. For instance:

Symptom: Neglected at parties.

Solutions: Simple behavioral changes are usually what’s needed, as follows:

Come prepared with topics, such as the most recent news stories.

Keep standing: Sitting down means that you are avoiding contact. Use a tried-and-true tactic: Walk up to someone, introduce yourself and ask them what they do for a living.

Eavesdrop on conversations, and if you hear one that’s interesting, walk up and say, “What you’re talking about really interests me. Can I join you?” Move from room to room, looking around with an interested gaze. When you meet someone’s eyes, smile. If they smile back, walk up and engage. If you feel sorry for yourself as the evening goes on, leave. You have better ways to fill your time, and parties aren’t for you.

Symptom: Not paid attention to by family.

Solutions: A little analysis is needed here. This symptom is frequently a variation of familiarity breeds neglect. You have allowed yourself to be put into a box. Other family members react in one of two ways: They leave you in your box because it’s the easiest thing to do, or they leave you in your box because they assume you like being there. If you complain about feeling neglected, then complaining becomes your box.

The solution is to approach someone in your family whom you trust, tell them how left out you feel and ask how you are viewed by the family. In other words, discover which box you have been placed in. Once you have a reasonable answer, you can begin to change their perception. If you are seen, for example, as quiet, accepting, unobtrusive and useful only when others need something from you, turn the tables. Start talking, speak up for yourself and ask others to help you for a change.

Symptom: Friends no longer seem close.

Solutions: Friendships start to fray for two reasons: The first is that you and your friend are no longer in the same place. One or the other has moved on, which happens. The second is that a hidden grievance has been simmering and eventually created a rupture.

Both of these things can be corrected, but it takes both of you to do that. So you need to have a candid discussion. Choose a comfortable time and place. Don’t bring up your hurt or resentful feelings while you are having them. Once you sit down, state the problem clearly and then immediately ask for feedback: “I don’t think we’re as close as we used to be. How do you feel?” That’s an intimate question, and the other person will usually be startled. But you will be fine as long as you avoid the big turnoffs that kill an honest discussion, which are (1) making a speech right off the bat (2) blaming the other person (3) whining or acting victimized and, (4) showing that you don’t actually care about your friend’s point of view.

You must avoid these mistakes, and if your friend resorts to these discussion-killers, walk away as soon as you are able. You’ve tapped into some kind of resentment or defensiveness that is blocking a solution. But, don’t give up. Returning tactfully to the issue will often work, because your friend has had time to think.

Your aim is to establish whether the two of you are moving apart, or if there is an unresolved issue. Once this has been determined, and you both agree, that’s enough progress for one meeting. Now go home and decide if you want to get on the same page and move in a new direction together, or if the underlying issue can be worked through. I’ve only described the start of how to renew a flagging friendship, but it’s these initial steps that are the most important.

Feeling invisible is a condition you can change with time, effort and creativity. You deserve to be noticed, cared for and valued. All you need to do is to learn the tactics that make these expectations become a reality.


Be in the Moment!

 

It is too easy to get consumed by the daily tasks of being a mom, running a business, taking care of the home, organizing meals, and losing touch with the here and now. It’s easy to find yourself planning out the many other things on your to-do list while you are spending time with your kids. This can cause one to lose the moment. Time goes by so quickly, and in a flash, the many moments that make up “life” are gone. There will always be work to do, always chores to finish, deadlines and responsibilities to live up to. However, moments with your children, friends or family will have a much more lasting impression on everyone if you are fully present. Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, so be conscious of the moment you are in, breathe it in and savor the experience for what it is.

TAKE ACTION!

1. Out of sight – out of mind

This week try to be aware of the moment for what it is. Keep work at work, and when you are home, really enjoy the time with your loved ones. Play just for the sake of playing. Realize that your work will get done when you designate time for work, at the office. Schedule time to just “be” and put work issues out of your mind, even if for just a short moment.

2. Be in the moment

Say the phrase “Be in the moment” when you find yourself thinking of other things. When playing with your children, enjoying alone time with a significant other, taking a walk, just “be” and relish what you are doing. The more you practice this week, the more natural it will become in your life.

3. Have fun!

Being in the moment will take on a life of its own. Try to bring fun back into everything you do. The more you balance work and play, the more productive and aware you will be in everything you do.

4. Prioritize

This week focus on prioritizing your time. It is easier to “be in the moment” when you know everything else will get done.  Plan your week so you have enough allotted time for work, work-related issues, and play. That way you can fully enjoy each of them knowing the rest won’t be pushed aside.

How to Build Confidence and Peace of Mind

Eight Tips to Help You Push Through the Fear and Self-doubt:

There are few of us who escape feelings of fear and self-doubt as we go about our life. Not to worry! We can all learn how to create within us a wonderful sense of confidence and peace of mind as we face all situations in our lives. Here are some powerful tools to help us push through the fear and self-doubt in order to create a beautiful and satisfying life:   

1. Build your sense of trust in yourself. Your first task is to build the trust that whatever happens in your life, you can handle it all. Right now, think of something about any area of your life that is bothering you and repeat to yourself ten times the important words, “Whatever happens, I’ll handle it.” I suspect you will immediately begin to feel a sense of peace within your being. These are important words to have when the “what if’s” come up. “What if I lose my job? I’ll handle it.” “What if I get sick? I’ll handle it.” “What if something happens to my marriage? I’ll handle it.” And what does “I’ll handle it” mean? It means, “I’ll learn from it. I’ll grow from it. I’ll make it a triumph!”

2. Do your very best, then let go of the outcome. To help you let go, develop the trust that “It’s all happening perfectly.” This calming affirmation is a shortened version of: “I’ve done my best, but even if things don’t go the way I want them to go, I will simply find a way to be enriched by whatever life brings me. I will learn and grow from it all. Therefore, it truly is all happening perfectly.” Repetition over and over again of this wonderful affirmation, will definitely quiet the negative chatter of the mind and help you let go of the outcome. Peace at last!

3. Stop complaining. Complaining is a big clue that you are not taking responsibility for your experience of life. Instead of seeing life’s obstacles as problems, see them as opportunities, opening the door to growth. When you can control your reactions to whatever life hands you, you have the upper hand. You now have a choice: You can create your own misery…or you can create your own sense of growth and well-being. That’s power! Every time you have the opportunity to stretch your capacity to handle the world around you, the more powerful and confident you will feel.

4. Yes, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Often we think, “I’ll do it when I am not so afraid.” But in reality, it works the other way around. The “doing it” comes before the fear goes away. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it. Action is the key. Once you have done something you have feared a number of times, guess what happens…the fear of that particular situation goes away. And it’s then time to further expand the comfort zone and move on to the next situation you fear. That’s what growth is all about. And as your confidence builds, it will become easier and easier to “feel the fear and do it anyway!”

5. When making decisions, adopt the “no-lose” philosophy. The “no-lose” philosophy tells us that “I can’t lose – regardless of the outcome of the decision I make. I look forward to the opportunities for learning and for growing that either choice gives me.” Remember, if you learn through your “mistakes,” there are no mistakes! In this way, the “no-lose” approach to decision-making guarantees that all your decisions will be the right decisions.

6. Know that you count. Know that your presence makes a difference. If you don’t understand this very important fact, act as if you do make a difference! Just keep asking yourself the “act-as-if” question in all areas of your life: “What would I be doing if I were really important here?” Make a list and then take action. Soon you will “live into” the realization that you really are important.

7. Commit 100% to all areas of your life. That means when you are at work or with your family and friends, or meeting new people, or volunteering in the community…or whatever…give it all you’ve got, holding nothing back. When you commit to giving 100%, your sense of focus, excitement, participation, enjoyment, fulfillment, and happiness come alive. What a glorious feeling that is!

8. Say “thank you” a lot. Saying “thank you” is a wonderful way to make important connections in all areas of your life. The words “thank you” can also help you appreciate and focus on all the good that is around you, thus helping you release any feelings of anger and resentment you may be holding. You can see why the words “thank you” are two of the most powerful words ever spoken.

If you, step by step, begin incorporating these steps into your life, your sense of confidence and peace of mind will grow and grow. Remember: there is plenty of time…but now is definitely the time to begin!

Silence Your Fears and Begin Succeeding!!

 

Most of you live life with certain goals or dreams—whether it’s that big house or getting that promotion or being a good friend—there are things you want to achieve in your lifetime, to make your life more fulfilling and meaningful.

But how many of you are actively pursuing those dreams? Do you let them linger in the back of your mind, hoping that one day you’ll finally go after them? Is fear of failure something that’s holding you back?

Well, it’s time to stop fearing failure. Silence your inner critic and start chasing your dreams!

Here are 5 tips to help you come face-to-face with your fears and tell them, boldly…You will not stand in my way today.

  1. Define your failure. What does it mean for you to ‘fail’? Never trying? Giving up earlier than you had hoped? Not getting the outcome you expected…in a specific time frame? It may not seem obvious, but until you define specifically what failure means to you, it will stand as a barrier to your success.
  2. Distinguish what is a real vs. a perceived threat. Fear is a response to our body’s need to survive dangerous situations. Real threats are dangerous to our survival. For instance, fear of getting caught in the middle of a gang fight, where you could get seriously injured, is a real threat whereas fear of competing in a half marathon is an imagined threat. The feeling of fear may be real, but more often than not, the actual threat is not and it hinders your ability to move forward.
  3. Set ‘approach’ targets vs. ‘avoidance’ targets. Approach targets involve Achieving a certain outcome whereas avoidance targets involve avoiding specific end results. For instance, ‘I am going to the gym to stay strong and fit’ vs. ‘I am going to the gym to avoid heart disease and bone loss.’ Approach targets set you up for a positive affirmation, whereas avoidance targets have been shown to lead to anxiety, decreased self-confidence and personal control, and less satisfaction while pursuing targets. Think about this as focusing on what you do want rather than what you don’t.
  4. Be flexible with the outcome. Those who adjust their targets and desired outcome to changing circumstances report better mental health and well-being. You can keep your eye on a positive outcome, but be open to changing your targets as necessary—some just require flexibility.
  5. Believing you will prevail. Our fear of failure is often less about our ability to execute, and more about the consequences if we don’t achieve our targets. Consequences may include feelings of embarrassment or inadequacy, losing influence, or disappointing others. However, we can change this by identifying which consequences we’re most afraid of, and then building skills to help manage those consequences. Ultimately, it’s not about wishing for a specific, positive outcome, but about feeling confident that we can handle the consequences that come along with our actions.

“Managing fear and accepting the consequences of failure are important to personal growth and transformation. No one succeeds all the time. As Winston Churchill famously said, ‘Success is not final; failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.’ Persevering in the face of fear is what it means to be strong. Persevering after success has been achieved, though, is what makes you magical.

Emotional Eating

 

STOP THE NEGATIVE SELF-TALK

One of the worst patterns a dieter can fall into is negative self-talk – the inner voice that tells you you’ll never reach your goal, you deserve a chocolate bar because you’ve had a hard day, you’ve already blown your diet so you might as well order the cheesecake, and so on.

If you’re a victim of negative thinking, a little cognitive reordering may be just the ticket for you. This type of intervention involves identifying your sabotaging thoughts, questioning their validity, and then taking positive action to change things.

Maybe you can identify with someone who constantly thinks, “I’ve always been heavy, I’ll always be heavy. I’ve tried a million diets, and they just don’t work for me.” Rather than writing off any possibility of success, you are far better off questioning why past diets have not worked for you and thinking about alternative approaches to weight loss.

First off, you might want to review all the diets you’ve tried to see if they failed because they were unreasonable to begin with. If it turns out that they were extreme (no carbs, no fat, no sugar) or bizarre (cabbage soup morning, noon, and night), you can respond to your inner antagonist by saying, “Maybe if I use a healthy, realistic, and sustainable approach, I will reach my goals.” If you feel you’re already making informed food choices, you might consider focusing on exercise as your primary weight-loss tool, along with sound eating. Or, if emotional eating is standing in your way, perhaps you should redirect your efforts towards working through the issues that lead you to self-medicate with food, so you’re in a better mindset to address your weight issues.

Whatever your situation may be, the important thing is to take those negative thoughts and turn them into positive action. The single most important ingredient for successful weight loss is to believe in yourself and set forth with a can-do attitude. Are you ready to try this new approach?

Five Ways to Prioritize Self-Care During the Holidays

 

  1. Exercise! Exercise is a natural mood-booster, helping to reduce stress, promote concentration, and kick depression to the curb. In only 10 minutes of exercise, your brain will begin to produce serotonin and dopamine—the same hormones targeted by antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications. The holidays are busy, and it’s easy to skip your workout in order to make time for seasonal activities… but even if you can only carve out time for a 10-minute walk, it’s important to maintain the healthy habit of daily exercise.
  2. Get grateful.The simple act of asking yourself, ‘What am I grateful for?’ promotes the development of serotonin and dopamine in your brain… even if you can’t come up with an answer! Get into the habit of thinking of something you’re grateful for at the end of every day—it will help keep you grounded in the spirit of the holiday season, while promoting a more stable and upbeat mood.
  3. Sleep well. Staying up late to wrap presents or to enjoy the company of friends and family at a party is par for the course during the holiday season. But don’t let your late nights get out of hand. Lack of sleep can cause weight gain, irritability, and heightened stress levels. If you’re having difficulty sleeping, eliminate caffeine after 2 p.m., exercise daily, and avoid eating for at least three hours before going to bed.
  4. Avoid emotional eating and drinking. The holidays aren’t joyful for everyone. Whether grieving the loss of a loved one, anticipating tense interactions with family, or experiencing financial hardship, the holidays often go hand-in-hand with higher stress levels and hard-to-handle emotions. And that’s okay… but allow yourself to feel these feelings, rather than use food or alcohol to avoid them. The more you sit with your emotions, the easier it will get to process them in a productive way.
  5. Stay present in the moment. Each moment is a gift… that’s why they call it the present. Give yourself the gift of the present moment this holiday season. When you begin to get sucked into the stress of party planning and baking and shopping and wrapping… stop, and focus on something you feel good about right there in that moment.

Remember, most of the standards we hold ourselves to during the holiday season are self-imposed. Instead of creating stress, give yourself permission to sit back and relax a bit more. Ten, 20, or 30 years from now, you won’t remember that pecan pie you baked from scratch, or how you wrapped each gift with a perfectly spiraling ribbon; you’ll remember the good times you spent with your family and friends, laughing, and making memories.

Four Ways to Stay Hopeful about the Future

I’ve always believed that our thoughts are powerful—so powerful that they can influence what lies ahead. If we focus on our past difficulties and fears, we find ourselves struggling to nurture positive feelings about the next chapter. Here’s a plan for remaining optimistic.

1. Imagine the way you’d like your future to look.

Having a clear vision of what you desire evokes a sense of excitement, and issues an invitation to the future to pull you forward. Believing in your vision is the surest way to attract what you want in life; the key is to keep that vision energized with positive thoughts for tomorrow, regardless of what today looks like.

2. Move through your fear and let go of the past.

It’s natural for human beings to fear the unknown, and the future falls into that category; none of us can predict what’s to come. But what we can control is our mind-set. Don’t hold yourself back because you’re afraid or because you’ve been hurt. Instead, acknowledge your fear, accept it, and walk through it with confidence. Letting go is like a mental, emotional, and spiritual delete button. It doesn’t change what happened, but it removes that event’s power to continue hurting you. Until you make peace with your difficult memories, that pain will continue to bleed into your current and future experiences.

3. Stop rehearsing your limitations.

Talking constantly about what you cannot do and do not have can become habitual, and talking about What you don’t want to happen—”I don’t want to be single forever!” “I don’t ever want to go through that again!” “I don’t want to be broke!” – can end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

4. Live well today.

Often our lives are so overwhelming, over-committed, and exhausting that it feels like we will never accomplish everything we set out to. This leads us to believe that tomorrow will bring us more of today……..a day in which we’ll continue to be stressed. To pump some life and excitement into your future possibilities, you need to be joyful, peaceful, and grateful for what you have and what you’re doing right now. This means spending time resting, working, learning, nourishing, preparing, and loving. When we do things that keep us feeling alive and hopeful, we learn to look forward to a brighter and better future.

The DO’s and DON’TS of DIVORCE for PARENTS

Divorce is a very complex occurrence that takes place within the family. This article will not attempt to cover all of the many nuances and intricacies involved in dealing with children who are experiencing a divorce. There are therapists who deal specifically with divorces as well as many books written on the effects of divorce on children and on parents. Many towns have programs committed to working with children of divorced families. This can be very effective in helping kids come to terms with what’s going on. All of these options should be considered.

I hope this article will offer some useful ideas. I would like to stress the fact that it is not meant to be a substitute for a broader understanding of divorce and its effect on parents and children. Being structured and clear after a divorce is much more helpful to kids than compromising your values because your children are going through a tough time.

There are as many types of divorces as there are types of families, and each family creates their own little theater in which the divorce is acted out. For some families, divorce emanates from the adults not being able to get along, solve problems or communicate effectively. In other families, the divorce is the recognition that things are not working for the good of everyone involved. In certain families, divorce is a way to get out of an abusive or destructive relationship. In cases like that, the children ultimately benefit psychologically, even though they will still face fears. And, they may even feel loyalty toward the offending parents.

Why Divorce is Traumatic for the Children

The reason why a divorce is very traumatic for the children involved is because things are changing for them completely and the future is unknown. The most powerful people in their lives have decided to go on a completely different course. Kids use their parents to manage their fears of the unknown. When kids get anxious about the future, they have an unconscious mechanism that tells them their parents will take care of whatever it is that’s bothering them. They do this often and without thinking about it. Divorce can be considered traumatic because it overpowers the children involved. They don’t have the tools or the experience to manage the overwhelming feelings and changes that are happening in their lives. They tend to deal with them in different ways, depending upon what the personality and nature of the child is.

‘Fear’ is often the core feeling they have: Fear that they’re going to lose things they have, and fear that they’re not going to have things they want. What you’ll see, in some cases, is that one child will buckle down and do OK in school, and the other child will give up and stop working. These two very different reactions may even occur in the same family. What that means is that one child is dealing with his fear and insecurity through isolating, while the other child is focusing on external things like schoolwork and sports. Some children deal with their fear and anger by acting their emotions out and striking out at others. One withdraws into the fort; the other goes out to meet the enemy.

The Emotions Involved

The major emotions involved with divorce are fear, anger, and grief. The general fear for children is that things are changing and they don’t know what they’re changing into. The anger is that they have no control or power over the situation. And grief emanates from the very real fact that the family they knew has perished. It’s as if it died, and they must, over time, grieve that family.

As a parent, you will see the behaviors that characterize anger, fearfulness and grief. The anger might be viewed through verbal or physical acting out, through increased oppositionality and defiance, behavioral acting out in school, or anger and frustration taken out on other siblings or the residing parent. The fearfulness manifests itself through a process of shutting down. Kids will isolate emotionally and physically, spending more time in their rooms or out of the house. They may appear more secretive. They are withdrawing into themselves because of some instinctual feeling they have that this is the best way to protect themselves. And you’ll see kids act out the stages of grief. They may bargain with their parents and try to figure out how to keep them together, they’ll be in denial about the significance of the divorce; they’ll be angry about what it means to them. Eventually, if it’s a healthy grieving process, they’ll come to accept it, but that takes time and work.

No matter how the kids handle the divorce, they generally don’t want to talk about it to either parent, which creates problems for parents who desperately want their children to understand what’s going on from their perspective.

Sources From Which Kids Draw Strength

Kids draw their strength from many different sources, but mostly, from their parents and their family system. When kids are younger, their parents and family are their sole source of strength. As they develop, school performance, friends and sports become sources of strength, depending upon the individual child. So, the first thing parents have to understand is that when the divorce is announced, the kids are going to experience a lot of insecurity about what the future holds. Parents may also feel that insecurity, but they feel empowered to manage it.

Children are completely dependent. It’s a sad fact that many children go into poverty after a divorce because the money that used to support one household, is now going to support two. The biggest cause of poverty among single parent families in America is divorce. That instills fear in children. They wonder ‘What’s going to happen to my parents? Are we going to have enough food? Will I have clothes? Can I still go to the mall on Fridays? Will we be able to do the same things?’ These questions float around in the kids’ heads. Some fears have to do with the well-being of the parents and of the family, and some are age appropriately self-centered. And, parents will do well to focus on these things when they talk to the child about the divorce.

Develop a Culture of Accountability in Your Home

Single parents have to develop a culture of accountability in their home once the separation or divorce has taken place. A ‘culture of accountability’ position is one that says, ‘You are still accountable for your behavior here at home.’ So no matter what else is going on outside the house or whatever feelings the child is having, including those that come from legitimate sources, the child is responsible for his or her behavior. Being structured and clear after a divorce is much more helpful to kids than compromising your values because your children are going through a tough time. Remember, it’s during tough times that we need reliable structure the most. Limits, accountability, parental support, outside support when necessary—these are all part of a culture of accountability in the family. Kids experience a whole range of emotions when a separation and divorce occur. Remember that ‘divorce’ and ‘separation’ are legalistic terms. Once one parent moves out, the kids’ adverse emotional experience begins, no matter how it’s labeled.

Have structure that clearly sets out the responsibilities of each child, outline the way they have to treat each other and the way they have to treat you as the parent. Make sure the limits are clear. Issues such as curfews, use of phone, computer, and TV time, expectations around schoolwork and other commitments should all be kept very clear. Hold kids accountable for not meeting their responsibilities. And, don’t let things slide because of your divorce. You don’t have to be punitive, but you have to be consistent.

Be available to your kids if they want to talk about the divorce or any other subject. Let them know you’re available to talk about things without specifically citing the divorce. Seek outside support when necessary. Certain types of counseling can be very helpful to kids who are experiencing the feelings of grief after a divorce. Also, if children are older and they test the limits by being physical or threatening, do not hesitate to call the police. There are many situations where kids sense a vacuum of power, and they will try to fill it if the parent does not. This can be especially troublesome in families where there is an adolescent, or families where the children don’t reside with the parent who was the primary limit-setter.

Do’s and Don’ts of Parenting After a Divorce
There are many ‘do’s’ and ‘don’ts’ for parents after a divorce, but here are a few that  are crucial:

  • Don’t push kids to talk about the divorce if they don’t want to. Be inviting, but not demanding. Let them know there are other resources available to them outside of the family.
  • Do hold kids accountable for their behavior. If kids are acting out, be clear with them. Let them know that even if they’re acting out because of the divorce, they’ll still be held accountable for their behavior.
  • Don’t talk negatively about the other parent. It’s never a good idea.
  • Don’t jump into another relationship and expect kids to be accepting of that person. That may soothe your sense of loss, but for kids, it’s only confusing and frustrating.
  • Don’t try to have deep, meaningful conversations with your kids about the divorce. They may act ‘adultified,’ but they are not little adults.
  • Do acknowledge that things have changed.
  • Don’t share all your fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, or grief with your children. They’re not at a level of development where they can handle that. Often, it makes them feel like they have to take care of you, and that’s not a good position for them to be in.
  • Do family organizational planning and structuring without emotions. Sit down and let kids know what roles are going to change. Don’t do it democratically. Don’t ask for opinions or votes. It’s not helpful to kids to put that responsibility on them.

Don’t Try to Control What Goes On in the Other Parent’s Home

As I mentioned, a single parent has to develop the culture of accountability in their household. What happens at mom’s house or dad’s house is none of your business, except in cases of safety. Do not let it become part of your child’s alibi system. When your son or daughter says, ‘Dad lets me do this at his house,’ tell them that they’ll have to wait until they get back to Dad’s house until they do it again, because in your home there are consequences for that behavior. You may feel frustrated with the way your ex parents your children, but don’t try to control what goes on in the other parent’s home. That’s a dead-end street. There are many situations where parents cooperate with each other after the separation or divorce, but, people divorce because they don’t like each other anymore, so cooperation can only go so far.

Another issue is that many ex-spouses tell their children details of the marriage that you would rather they didn’t know. This is a common occurrence, and parents have to work on not giving it power. First of all, if you show your child that this information has power over you, that child is going to use it in certain situations. So the idea is to say something like, ‘Whatever your mother says at her house, just discuss it with her. This is not a place to talk about it.’ I personally don’t think you should discuss specifics about the divorce. I think you should say, ‘That’s Mom’s opinion. You’ll have to talk to her about that. In my house, I don’t blame your mother, and I don’t let her blame me.’

Understand this: Separation and divorce usually don’t occur or don’t emanate from a peaceful, easy-going marital situation. There are often occurrences such as strong arguments and fights, blaming, cursing, and bad feelings which precede the actual separation or divorce. For better or worse, kids have witnessed what’s occurred and they will know the truth. Parents who use the ‘Culture of Accountability’ model teach kids that using excuses and blaming others does not justify their inappropriate or irresponsible behavior.

If you teach your children not to make excuses and not to justify inappropriate behavior, they will be better prepared to identify when the other parent is using excuses and justifications to explain their behavior.

When is Family Counseling in Order?

Family counseling is a very tricky issue. Some therapists will say that it should not include both parents because it is artificial, and helps kids promote the normal fantasy that their parents will get back together. On the other hand, there are therapists who believe that even if there’s a divorce, the family should address it as a whole system. There are a lot of variables that come into play when deciding which course to take with which therapist. One thing is clear—your child should have the option of seeing someone, but they should not be forced to if they’re managing the divorce effectively. If your child is having behavior problems which either stem from or are intensified by the divorce, the help should be based on him or her learning to manage the problems and feelings underlying the behavior.

Therapy should be flexible enough to involve everyone in various combinations, but still avoid involving sessions with both the parents and the children present, unless absolutely necessary. Before those sessions, strict ground rules and agendas must be agreed upon by both parents. Remember, it is very likely the differences in perception, interpretation, and behaviors which led to the divorce in the first place could be acted out in the artificial situation. In some cases, kids will not want to participate in these types of therapeutic activities. If kids are managing the divorce and the other areas of their life well, they should not be pushed to be involved. On the other hand, if they’re having behavioral or academic performance problems, behavior management therapy should be on the menu.

Divorce carries an inherent risk of damage to the children involved. The more quickly the adults going through the divorce take responsibility for being parents instead of spouses, the better the chances the children will have of adjusting to the new reality of their lives.

RIDDING YOUR LIFE OF BAGGAGE

Are you in need of ridding your life of baggage? Sometimes, this is necessary in order to move forward, but it could be difficult to know how to go about it.  Are there aspects of yourself that you would rather move away from or parts of your life that you would like to create a clean slate?  What parts would you dream of comparing to the falling of the leaves?

You would be able to let go of everything draining and consuming in your life and replace it with fresh, full-of-life energy. Why not let go of all tasks, people and responsibilities that deplete you, and replace them with those things that fill you up and bring you joy. You can, once again, wait until next year, next week, or next month, to get started, or you can begin today. As fall comes and goes every year, you, too, can take advantage once a year of ridding your life of toxic baggage and replacing it with what excites you and fulfills you.

Steps to take action:

1. Let it go

Which parts of your life are taxing and all-consuming? Divide your life into sections if it makes it easier; career, family, relationships, etc…What can you let go of?  If something in your life creates more negativity and stress than feel-good energy, you might want to consider letting it go.

2. Your priorities

What do you value above all else in your life? Family…career…health and well-being? Make a list from the most important to the least important. How is your time currently being spent? Is your time going toward activities and responsibilities that are not high on your priority list? Maybe it is time to take a closer look at where you are putting your energy. Over-extending yourself, due to not prioritizing, only depletes you of the energy you need for the things that fulfill you. Do not be afraid to ask others for help, so you don’t take on more than you can handle. Over-extending yourself affects you and everyone in your life, in a negative way. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have what you need to take care of others.

3. Have fun!

When making changes in your life, it can become all-consuming. It is important to create “fun” time or “me” time amidst all the craziness. Schedule it in like any other appointment or commitment. You need time to relax and wind down. Make this a priority this week. This time is crucial in rejuvenating yourself to continue forward.